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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22880998">Elegy of Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/reallifebalbasaur/pseuds/reallifebalbasaur'>reallifebalbasaur</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:48:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22880998</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/reallifebalbasaur/pseuds/reallifebalbasaur</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dong Youlin | Jeffrey/Lu Dinghao, Lin Yanjun/You Zhangjing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Me Without You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>Yanjun, count the days and years.</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>It’s our 10th debut anniversary today… Five years since you’re gone. How time flies.</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>Ten years ago, we were trainees, I practised and wrote songs every day. </strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>It’s been ten years and I’m still doing the same old things.</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>You’d be asking me, how are the others doing? </strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>Well, they’re all paired up now, some falling in love, some falling out of love.</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>Sometimes I’ll think if you were still by my side…</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>Will we have an ending of our own?</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>At my concert, there are still fans raising LED banners of your name and</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong> I’ll smile at it, </strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>like I always do.</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>Nothing has changed. </strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>The only thing that changed, </strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>is that I can’t feel you.</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>Why is that so?</strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>You were there, </strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>so clear in my dreams…</strong> </em>
</p><p>Zhangjing closed his eyes and clicked on the send button. 3 seconds later, an auto-reply message popped out: </p><p>
  <em> <strong>This is Lin Yanjun, thank you for your message and your support all this while!</strong> </em>
</p><p>I will continue to work hard!</p><p>Zhangjing’s inbox was already filled with thousands of these auto-replies. <em> “ </em> <em> He read it, let’s just think that he read it. </em> <em> ” </em>Zhangjing thought to himself. For five years, “perished in an accident” was what the media reports of him. Relatives, friends and fans, have accepted that he was gone within the first year. But, Zhangjing? He was the only one that chose to believe that he only disappeared.</p><p>
  <em> <strong>I believe you’re at someplace, you’re looking at me, you’re with me. Maybe one day you’ll give up on this hide and seek. I’m sorry, it’s my fault that I’m bad at this. I searched the crowds but still failed to find traces of your hideout...</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>5 years.</p><p>That is close to 2000 days and nights. He waited through all these cold, ruthless winters without Yanjun. In the initial 2 years, Zhangjing would immediately tear up at the mention of  Yanjun. He was so depressed, heartbroken and helpless at the situation. Slowly, he managed to walk himself out of the grief and accept the reality by placing Yanjun close to his heart. Just like he never left. </p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing started sending emails to him, attaching all the beautiful scenery he took while travelling everywhere, just to find the scenery they once spoke of. He just wanted somewhere to pen down his bottled up words and feelings for him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Look how beautiful these are. If only if it was with you.</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Yanjun was hardworking. He takes pride in his work. Zhangjing continued his spirit of hard work and pride, he took part in musicals, singing OSTs for movies and released many hit albums, earning many positive praises from everyone.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <strong>10pm. </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Bzz Bzz</em>
</p><p>You’ve received a message.</p><p> </p><p>A spring onion, just to prove he is not fat, he starts to strip, and afterwards, it was gone completely.</p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing giggled, it’s been 3 years, but this person named “Autumn” sends him a cold joke every day. This began from the day when he was crying through the night, missing Yanjun. He posted on Weibo, “I feel like listening to some cold jokes”. From that day onwards, a cold joke every day would be promptly delivered to his DMs. <em>Fans are really the warmest existence</em>, he thought.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>Thank You.</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>Really.</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A gentle night breeze blows over, lifting up the pages of the untouched proposal plan of his 10th-year anniversary concert on his table. Zhangjing picked it up and climbed on his bed. He glanced out of the window to admire the moonlight seeping through the blurry clouds. Another gentle breeze blew the clouds apart and revealed the only bright star in the sky.</p><p>Years ago, he performed <em>Buried Heart</em> with Awaken F’s Han Mubo on the Malaysian stop of his Asia tour. During a rehearsal break, Zhangjing found Han Mubo at a corner, staring into space with his earplugs on. Zhangjing asked, “What are you listening to?”. Mubo handed over the other side of his earplugs. It was Qin Fen’s voice, singing<em> The Brightest Star in the Sky</em>. </p><p><em> “They are each other’s eternal star in their lives. No matter what time or place, they are always in each other’s hearts, shining brightly. “ </em>Zhangjing smiled at that thought.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> These fans that loved you, said, you’ve transformed into the most beautiful shooting star, resting gracefully at the end of the earth.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But, no, you can’t go there.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That’s a place where I can’t find you.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Come to my dreams, okay? Let me hug you tonight.  </em>
</p><p>A lone tear traced down Zhangjing’s cheek as he hugged himself to sleep.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>Shanghai, The Tung Entertainment Company.</strong>
</p><p>Jeffery placed the new set of lyrics on his table, and walked over to his office window, overlooking the skyscrapers of Shanghai. Thoughts ran through his mind as he let out a soft, inaudible sigh.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> knock knock  </em>
</p><p>“Come in” Jeffery turned towards the door. </p><p>“Hey, boss” Zhangjing pushed the door open, flashing his iconic bunny teeth smile.</p><p>“Can you not address me that way, please? It’s been years and you still can’t change that habit.”  “Have a seat” Jeffery pulled a chair out.</p><p> </p><p>“Since the concert is for your 10th-year anniversary, you should be starting your tour next year.” Jeffrey leaned onto his desk, sipping his coffee. “I’ll help you decide on the various cities and venues, you just have to focus on practising your songs and dances. Oh, and here’s the guest list.” He fumbled his files for a piece of paper and passed them to Zhangjing. “Lin Chao, Mu Ziyang, Pu Fan, Han Mubo, Xiao Gui, Chen Linong, Lu Dinghao, Bi Wenjun and... Cai Xukun??” Zhangjing looked at Jeffery, puzzled at the last name on the list. “Yes, I’m planning to invite Cai Xukun over to guest for the concert finale” Jeffery placed his hand on his shoulder, realising how skinny Zhangjing has turned after all these years. </p><p> </p><p>“Can he make it? He’s a really busy man. Also, Mu Ziyang, Pu Fan, Han Mubo, haven’t they already retired from the industry?” Zhangjing blabbers, worried about the implementation of Jeffrey’s plans. Zhangjing didn’t ask about Dinghao, he’s Jeffrey’s man anyways. “Yes, they are. But! I still have my ways to invite them.” Jeffrey lifted his coffee jug, “If they haven’t broken up, I would’ve invited Yueyue, XiKan and Fen-ge too.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yueyue’s married, XiKan went to the States long ago. Subsequently, there hasn’t been news about Han-ge, Fen-ge eventually faded from the industry too.” Jeffrey handed a cup of coffee to Zhangjing. “No worries about it Zhangjing, I got it all covered.”. “I really don’t know how to thank you, Jeffrey” <em> Thank you. For all these. </em> Zhangjing took a sip of the coffee, trying to swallow back his tears of gratitude. “You’ve done so much for the company. I am the one that should be thankful instead, you’re like a treasure found.” Jeffrey indeed inherited much of his dad’s talent in investment and management. 5 years ago after that incident, he signed the distraught Zhangjing under his entertainment company. Jeffrey didn’t rush him to recover, all he did was to accompany him and waited for him to think it through. Afterwards, Zhangjing decided to continue Yanjun’s dreams, those that he didn’t manage to fufill. Investors said, he had earned a big catch, he gambled and had great luck. Throughout the years, Zhangjing swept countless awards, topped countless charts and his appearance fee continues to multiply as his status in the industry grows. But what do outsiders know? </p><p> </p><p>“We have a song for your autumn release. However, currently, we only have the lyrics. As for the melody, you can try it out yourself if you’d like. I’m fine with it.” Jeffrey passed Zhangjing the set of lyrics. “<em> The Sorrow of Autumn </em>?” Zhangjing’s heart inexplicably clenched at the title. “The Sorrow of Autumn, Love’s Sorrow, Love’s Pain. Love comes like a gentle leaf and goes without a trace. It’s an instant of joy, it’s an instant of emptiness. Love is like snow, regrets never melt away.” Zhangjing continues to read. “The skies are boundless, seas are vast. Life is like a dream. Under the moonlight, under the stars, we laugh heartlessly, we promise our hearts together...”Zhangjing fell into deep thoughts. </p><p> </p><p>Jeffrey stayed silent and walked away from his desk, drinking from his cup. </p><p> </p><p>“So... Who is this?” Zhangjing stood up and grabbed Jeffrey’s arm, “Why… Why is it that his lyrics are always so great… So close to my emotions?”. Jeffrey reached down to place his cup on the coffee table near him, “Well, we have many great lyricists in the company, and-” </p><p>“No!” Zhangjing fumbled and pointed to the name on the paper - <em> Quasimodo. </em> “This person! Quasimodo! He isn’t from our company! In fact, I searched, he isn’t under <em> any </em>company!” All these years, Zhangjing’s hit songs and most of his albums were produced by Quasimodo. Every song is written as if he knew Zhangjing’s story. Quasimodo is always uncontactable. Even as a main producer of the album, he never shows up to any song recording sessions, let alone even meeting Zhangjing or any of his staffs in person.</p><p><em>Quasimodo</em>… That’s the deformed bell-ringer cartoon character from The Hunchback of Notre Dama… Why would anyone choose this as a stage name? </p><p>“There are a lot of companies that are interested in getting Quasimodo’s lyrics. However, he only takes the copyright of his lyrics, he doesn’t want to be part of the production. He’s not an artist anyway, what use is it for to meet him?” Jeffrey looked over at Zhangjing. “But… He only wrote lyrics for me…” Zhangjing had tried to search for traces of Quasimodo and his works previously to find some contact information but to no avail. “Yeah, it’s because I bought him 5 years worth of lyrics. Just to give you the greatest. Look how good I am treating you.” Jeffrey shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>“You want to meet him, it shows how his works are so good that you feel that it’s close to your heart, it helps you to better indulge in the song and place in emotions for the songs isn’t it?” Jeffrey held Zhangjing’s shoulder and looked into his eyes. “He really… seem like he knew my soul…” Zhangjing glanced over to Jeffrey’s display cabinet. It was all his albums - <em> Dreams, Where the Heart Belongs, Leave, Sorrow like a Song, You’re Spring ……  </em></p><p> </p><p>“Come on, it’s just like how Wang Fei has Lin Xi and how Jay Chou met Fang Wenshan, he might be just a person that admires you so he’s only willing to write lyrics for you isn’t it?” </p><p> </p><p>“I just wanted to ask him… if he knew Yanjun.” Zhangjing clenched the paper hard, tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to drop any moment. Jeffrey laid back into his armchair as he watched Zhangjing leave the room. <em> The Sorrow of Autumn </em> was such a poetic piece, written beautifully by Quasimodo. Life has seven sufferings: Life, aging, sickness, death, hatred, love that leaves, love that you can’t have. </p><p>
  <em> I had a love that I can’t have, he loved but had to leave me, who suffers more? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He must have known him. If not, why are his lyrics full of moments between me and him? </em>
</p><p>Maybe Jeffrey was right, maybe he’s just overthinking. Zhangjing stared at the paper again. They have been trainees in Banana Entertainment for 3 years, they debuted together through Idol Producer as Nine Percent for about 1 year. All his love songs were for Yanjun. <em>Dreams, Where the Heart Belongs, Leave, Sorrow like a Song, You’re Spring... </em>They are all for him. </p><p>Ever since Yanjun’s disappearance, Zhangjing turned his everything to be about him. If it were not for Jeffrey, there will be no Zhangjing today.</p><p> </p><p>He would have stayed on the snowy mountains. </p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing was never against Yanjun for being adventurous or doing extreme sports. That autumn 5 years ago’s, in the middle of his song release conference, reporters received frontline breaking news that there was an avalanche and one of the missing mountain climbers was Yanjun. Zhangjing fainted on the spot. When he came around, it was confirmed by officials that an unfortunate event has happened to 3 mountain climbers, 2 bodies had been found. 1 was still missing, and that was Lin Yanjun, the top idol star, loved by many.</p><p> </p><p>“Where is he? Where is he! Book tickets for me, I’m going to find him!” Zhangjing rushed out of the hospital room until his manager caught him. “You can’t help with anything now! The only thing you can do is to wait!” Zhangjing collapsed to the ground “But that’s Lin Yanjun! My Yanjun!!!” </p><p> </p><p>“Please give him Midazolam.” The doctors and nurses hurried to help Zhangjing back to his bed. “I’d settle the press and the company, you need to rest first.” Zhangjing’s manager turned away. <em> Yanjun, I don’t need any flowers from the mountain, I don’t need it, I just need you to come back.. </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Yanjun didn’t return.</p><p> </p><p>Jeffrey handed Zhangjing a green jacket that was found from the mountain. When the incident happened, Jeffrey was performing at Yunnan, he dispatched his private search team to the mountains upon hearing the news. But, only the green jacket was found. Zhangjing’s trembling hands traced the blood on the jacket, the jacket was badly torn and destroyed… He reached into the pockets of the jacket. It’s a flower, a <em> Rhododendron. </em>“Please, let’s go search for him.” </p><p>“No, it’s not a place for normal people to be” Jeffrey held Zhangjing and looked into his eyes with tears, “Zhangjing, you need accept it”.</p><p>Jeffrey deployed a private search team to look for traces of Yanjun in the mountains twice. One of which, was with Zhangjing. But nothing was found. “If he’s alive, I want to see him. If he’s dead, I want to see his body… If we can’t find his body, it means he’s not dead. I’m going to search for him myself!”</p><p>“Zhangjing!” Jeffrey stared at him, feeling helpless. “Alright, I'll go with you.”</p><p>“Really?” Zhangjing grabbed Jeffrey’s hands. “But not now, your body can’t keep up. Listen to me, I’ll continue to send the team for searches. But if you really want to go, you have to build up yourself to be able to climb mountains. Only when you’re able to do so, I’ll bring you up no matter what. Okay?” </p><p>That night, Zhangjing hugged that green jacket to sleep. Holding the <em> Rhododendron </em>tight in his hands, the red of the flower is so bright, so blinding. If this was a flower that Yanjun exchanged his life for, I’ll keep you. </p><hr/><p><em> You surely knew, what happened to him right? You wouldn’t wither, just like how he’ll always be here, right? </em> </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Me Without You II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>CHAPTER 2</p><p>For six months, Zhangjing trained himself earnestly. Finally, Jeffery hired a professional mountain climbing team to accompany Zhangjing and himself. To that place. Thousands of feet above sea level, there was only the cold and only white snow. A spread of pale and ruthless white snow.</p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing dropped to his knees, cold piercing through his layer of clothes. <em> Was Yanjun here before? </em> <em> Have you seen him? </em> <em> Someone tell me if he is just sleeping somewhere? </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>The mountain fog cleared up, revealing the bright sun blinding Zhangjing’s eyes. Zhangjing looked up, his sight blurry, as if he sees a ray of hope in front of him. He walked over, hands clasped together and mumbled a sincere prayer “If there is a mountain spirit, please listen to my prayers, I am willing to live a life without colours, if you want to live in darkness, I will. I can lose my voice, I can lose my sight, I can give up anything you want me to. In exchange, I’d like Yanjun back. No matter if he is alive or dead… I want to bring him back. Please...”</p><p> </p><p>“Zhangjing! It’s dangerous there, stop going forward!” Jeffrey grabbed Zhangjing back from near the edge of the cliff, “Zhangjing, it’s going to snow soon. Let’s go.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not leaving! He hasn’t returned Yanjun to me, I’m not leaving!” Zhangjing escaped from Jeffrey’s arms, “Yanjun is right here… I’m not leaving without him!”. Jeffrey turned to his team, “Let’s get him off the mountain.”. “Yes sir! “two men came forward to carry Zhangjing off the ground. “No, I’m not leaving, I’m going to find him!” he ran back to the edge of the cliff, crying hysterically.</p><p> </p><p>“Zhangjing!” Jeffrey managed to catch him before he loses his footings. “Trust me! He can see you, he can hear you!” Jeffrey glanced over at a camera. “I know, I know, I feel like he is so near me…”.</p><p>The snow gets heavier and Jeffrey decided that they could not wait any more, he nodded to the team to give Zhangjing a tranquillizer and proceeded to carry him, leaving the mountain.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>It’s already night when Zhangjing woke up. “Here, have some water.” Jeffrey helped Zhangjing up slightly to get a sip of hot water. “Are you feeling better?” Jeffrey gave Zhangjing a light pat on his shoulders.</p><p>“Thank you, Jeffrey,” Zhangjing said, with tears in his eyes. “It’s nothing, there isn’t much I can do either” Jeffrey shrugged.</p><p>“Thank you for bringing me here, to have a look at this place. I owe you one. I will never forget what you’ve done for me.” </p><p>“Don’t be silly.” Jeffrey stood up, “The season is changing, winter is not great weather for travelling down the mountain, pack up and turn in early, we’ll leave tomorrow.” Jeffrey tucked Zhangjing in and turned to leave the room.</p><p>“I’m not leaving.” Zhangjing looked out, admiring the snowy mountains.</p><p>“What?” Jeffrey turned and look at Zhangjing in disbelief.</p><p>Zhangjing said softly, “I want to stay in this village. I want to look at him every day, be with him every day.”   </p><p>“No.” Jeffrey sat down and gave Zhangjing a comforting rub on his arm, “I am the one that brought you here and I am responsible to bring you back.”</p><p>“But, Yanjun’s sleeping here alone.” Zhangjing pointed at that white, snowy mountain, “It’s cold up there, he’s lonely there… I can’t let him be lonely… “   </p><p>“Sure.” Jeffrey teared up at the current state of his friend, “I won’t object if you were to come over and stay for periods of time, but not now.”. “But why?” Zhangjing questioned. “Think about it, Zhangjing. There are all of these places that Yanjun wanted to travel to, all of the dreams that he didn’t get to fulfil. “ Jeffrey gently wiped off Zhangjing’s tears with a tissue, trying to persuade him. “Don’t you think that you should fulfil his dreams for him? That way he won’t have regrets isn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing pondered a while, <em> Yes, we agreed to travel the world, we agreed to be top singers, we agreed to be so great that every street we walk on plays our songs, with our posters everywhere </em>.</p><p>“Also, like what you’ve said. We can’t be firm about his death, maybe… Maybe he was rescued by a good samaritan? Maybe he just lost his memory but he is somewhere?”</p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing looked at Jeffrey.</p><p>“Maybe he survived he just can’t find his way back. If we don’t continue to look, we definitely can’t be firm about it.” Jeffrey gave an assuring squeeze to his shoulders. “Yes, that should be it. I’ll go find him. I can surely find him back.” Zhangjing nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“You can go,” Jeffrey stood up, “I’ll give you a year, go look for him. If you can’t find him, you have to come back and recollect yourself .” <em> Recollect? </em> Hard to understand for Zhangjing. “I believe he’ll surely not want to see the sight of you crying for him every day,” Jeffrey encouraged, “If you were to come back to the mountains to see him eventually, what do you think he’ll feel?”</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> Right. If I give up on myself, who will be the one fulfilling your dreams? </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I’ll discuss the termination of your contract with your company and you can sign under my entertainment. I’ll wait for you” Jeffrey left a pat on Zhangjing’s shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing nodded. The company has long given up on the mentally distraught singer, even he himself, has never thought of starting afresh.</p><p>“You have to be stronger,” Jeffrey let Zhangjing lean in his arms, “Since you love him so much, let him be with you in your heart, believe that he'll always be with you and he'll never leave.”. “Okay” Zhangjing lowered his head, clenching his fists<em>. I don’t know if I can melt this snow with our love. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> Gods, please help me convey this message to him. Wait for me, if I can’t find him, I will still return. I will return with his fulfilled dreams. Then, I will accompany him, forever. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>After a year, Zhangjing travelled the world, squeezing past crowds, looking at millions of unfamiliar faces. Always anticipating, maybe Yanjun would appear somewhere, maybe he’ll appear at the next corner of the road. But, regardless of the street, the town, the city, he wasn’t there.  </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You Zhangjing don’t cry! I’ll always be sleeping beside you” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m your wall, I’ll give you support.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You Zhangjing is an angel to me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing looked up at the colourless sky. The clouds, have their own direction.</p><p>
  <em> Have anyone seen him? His name is Lin Yanjun, he has a handsome face, a cold appearance but a warm heart. I love him a lot, he made a lot of promises to me. We have vowed forever in front of the sea. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He always keeps his promises, he won’t break them. But now, he’s missing… I don’t believe that mountain, I’d look for him myself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sunrise, sunset, sunny, gloomy. Spring flowers bloom, summer bugs chirps, autumn leaves blows, cold winter snows. I’m spending four seasons alone. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Zhangjing held a dandelion in his hands, maybe all life forms will end up vanishing in the winds. At the very least, before they vanish, they bloomed once in their lifetime. For himself, for the person in his heart. He will continue to draw their unfinished painting.</p><p> </p><p>“Jeffrey, I’m back.”</p><hr/><p>Jeffrey hopes that Zhangjing could try out producing, so he can be an all-rounded singer. His lyrics, composition and musicality have to be improved. In that year, he received lyrics from Quasimodo. Every line of it hit home, it seemed like every line was singing about himself, but there’s not one that was the most fitting to tell his own story. Therefore, he erased lines and wrote more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Bzz Bzz </em>
</p><p>You’ve received a message.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>One day, two ice creams were competing in the swimming pool. They swim and swim. Both of them melted at the end.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Lin Yanjun, do you know? Sometimes I’d think if it was you when I receive a message. You are the one that told me cold jokes, you are the one that writes songs for me. It feels so wrong to think so, but it keeps bothering me. I know lying to myself might be better than facing reality, but I know, they are not you. Autumn, the sorrow of autumn, elegy of love, you’ve disappeared in autumn. I let myself indulge in this ‘what if’. Could it be just a coincidence? Can it be?</em>
</p><hr/><p>Epilogue:</p><p>My heart,</p><p>Is barren like the snow.</p><p>Where are you?</p><p>The winds said they don’t know,</p><p>The clouds said they don’t know,</p><p>I felt you’ve never left me,</p><p>People laughed, they say I’m crazy,</p><p>I laughed, they don’t even know.</p><p>That is loving you till the end.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. A lover I can't touch I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>5</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>th</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> floor of Luxury Shopping Mall, Shanghai, Fire Hotpot Restaurant.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey sat in the huge luxurious VIP room of the restaurant, the view out of the glass window was Shanghai’s iconic Oriental Pearl Tower. On usual days, even if he doesn’t visit, this VIP room is exclusively for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you not eating?” At this moment, a handsome man knocked on the door and entered the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey laughed, picking up his chopsticks, “I was waiting for you”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How would you like your eggs?” The man’s slim fingers reached for an egg and a ladle, starting to cook one for Jeffrey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You Zhangjing will be having his tenth-anniversary tour tomorrow. I’d like to invite you to come as a guest performer.” Jeffrey said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you think I’d agree?” He slammed the spoon on the table, “It’s overcooked, do it yourself.”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey stood up and walked over, the man took timid steps back, trying to dodge Jeffrey’s intimidating looks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey ended up cornering the man, pinning him against the wall behind, leaning his body against him “Why not?”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He </span>
  <em>
    <span>stole</span>
  </em>
  <span> my boyfriend.” The man gave him an angry stare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you are the one that rejected him, right?” Jeffrey lifted his chin and looked into his eyes lovingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Such an affectionate relationship they had, it was a make or break.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Between them was a thin line, no one dared to cross the line until one decided to back off. He claimed they can still remain as friends. That angered Jeffrey a lot. He did not want to listen if he wasn’t given any valid reason.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since Jeffrey signed Zhangjing, paparazzi had gotten shots of them hugging together, sharing clothes, basically being so close to each other every day. It sparked off rumours that Jeffrey is giving Zhangjing a “special sponsor treatment”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So to say, that man is jealous. He is hesitant because of that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not me, I know, I know, I know he lost Yanjun five years ago, but he can’t – Mmph”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey decided to seal his mouth with a long kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m staying over at yours tonight,” Jeffrey whispered in his ears with a low voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not welcomed.” The flustered man replied, trying to catch his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t forget. Whatever you owe me, you’re paying interest. With. Your. Body.” that was demanded by Jeffrey initially.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, they’re still friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t I paid off enough?” The man had tears in his eyes, pouting and expressing his grievance. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We’ve already done it so many times...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your new branch in Wuhan is opening soon, I’ll get you a good local team,” Jeffrey said as his hand reached down to unbutton the man’s shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When am I going to ever pay off if you’re going to be like this?” The man stopped Jeffrey’s hands from moving further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He owed him money, he owed him a relationship, but did he really have to pay in this way?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe never” Jeffrey pulled open his shirt, exposing his nude chest and started to pepper passionate kisses on his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate you… Cheater…” The man spoked in between his ragged breathes, words turning into moans when Jeffrey kisses down further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just need to be a good boy yourself,” Jeffrey pulled over the man’s thin hand, guiding him to touch his bulge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why are you still asking me to appear for his concert” the man let out a frustrated sigh but proceeded to unbuckle Jeffrey’s belt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day you’ll understand, I can’t explain now.” Jeffrey gently stroked the man’s thin waist, “It’s good to see you jealous sometimes, in case you get arrogant.” Jeffrey had also unbuckled the man’s belt. “And you still have the guts to claim we’re friends. You’re just bullying me for not being able to let you go”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m already over you, our values and views are totally different. We’re so different. How could we be in lo-- ah!” Jeffrey gripped the man’s shoulder tightly and throwing the man on the sofa nearby, letting himself hover over him. “It’s fine, I can’t get your love, but I still have you” Jeffrey grabbed a bottle of lube from a hidden drawer at the side of the coffee table, “I am not accepting your request to break up. Don’t you dare run away from me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You heard my heartbeat, sewed your name on my clothes, you teased me, you made my heart flutter, but you’re running away now? No way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care, I bought a few apartments in Shanghai,” the man wiped away his tears, “all of them are bought from the earnings of your investment, I’m not at a loss.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m busy recently… I’ve been holding it in for so long. Let’s not do much here, I’ll wait for you to come home later…” Jeffrey spoke with his deep voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away!” the man blushed, he felt shy but he was angry</span>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It used to be heart fluttering moments, but it feels like we’re only doing transactions now. But does he still yearns to see him? Why does he feel at ease only when he’s sleeping beside him? He clearly knows Jeffrey loves him, only him. He wanted to escape. But he just wants to hold onto him more now. Jeffrey, is a rich guy, he could have everything. But, why me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Saturday morning.</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey’s instincts woke him up. He felt like something’s wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey reached for his phone to check for messages. </span>
  <em>
    <span>As expected.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s me. What did Dr Zhang say?” Jeffrey pulled on a shirt, walking out of the bedroom, “Alright, don’t panic, let me think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey hung up the phone as he sat on the sofa shutting his eyes, trying to think.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shakes his thoughts off and decided to go for a shower to cool down. After he gets out of the warm bath, he smelt milk from the kitchen. Jeffrey smiled as he walked over. “Why did you get up so early, hmm? You should’ve slept for a bit more,” Jeffrey comes up behind Dinghao and latches on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, shut up, you’re concerned after last night?” Dinghao grabbed an egg from the fridge, placing it in the egg steamer. “It’s my enjoyment. I only find joy in torturing you.” Jeffrey smirked, playfully biting on the back of Dinghao’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You woke up so early, where are you going?” Dinghao placed fresh toast on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something happened, at my company. I’ll be flying to Taiwan in the afternoon. I’m sorry I can’t accompany you to Quanzhe’s place tonight.” Jeffrey replied. “You’re always like that anyway” The man was used to it, Jeffrey always backed out of planned dates at the last minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, seems like you’re bearing so many grudges” Jeffrey reached into the man’s shirt, caressing his chest, peeping in, satisfied to see his chest full of love bites.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s summer soon. How can I get out to see my friends, looking </span>
  <em>
    <span>like this</span>
  </em>
  <span>??” Dinghao started to take out the steamed eggs, peeling the shells for Jeffrey. “Well, who are you meeting? You definitely don’t have to take off your shirt, isn’t all of this just for me to see?” Jeffrey questioned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eat your breakfast.” He pushed Jeffrey away, passing him the bowl of eggs.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>After breakfast.</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'll see you, ”Jeffrey grabbed his coat and scarf, leaving a kiss on Dinghao’s check before stepping out of the apartment. He saw the man shut his door, before giving the wall a punch.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Afternoon. Taiwan, Kenting</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey stepped into a wooden-furnished seaside villa, changing out his shoes at the entrance. Upon stepping into the living room, it was a floor cluttered with crushed papers and bottles of pills.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You refuse to do therapy, you refuse to go for appointments, you refuse to go for surgeries. What exactly do you want to do?” Jeffrey sat on the sofa, looking at the shadow of a man in his wheelchair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… I can’t write anymore,” a raspy voice said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So? You think life is meaningless now?” Jeffrey picked up a paper near his feet, placing it on the coffee table. “Just… Stop caring about me” the man wheeled to a room at the end of the corridor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The songs of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Elegy of Love</span>
  </em>
  <span> still requires a lot of amendments,” Jeffrey stood up, preparing to leave. “I’ll head back first. If you’re going to continue being like this, I’ll halt all of Zhangjing’s activities.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man slammed the door shut behind him upon hearing that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey shakes his head, he looked at the draft he picked up just now and brought it out of the villa with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Two days later, Shanghai</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey impatiently tapped his fingers on the wheel of his sports car while stuck in Shanghai’s traffic. Bzz Bzz.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zhangjing’s here? Alright, I’ll be there soon”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey thought </span>
  <em>
    <span>The sky is changing… but if it doesn’t, it might never be sunny again. Let’s just gamble this, okay?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span> Zhangjing let himself sink into the comfortable cushion chair in Jeffrey’s office, hands wrapping around the warm cup of coffee Jeffrey’s assistant made.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that moment, a paper was lifted up from Jeffrey’s table by the humidifier. Zhangjing moved over to catch the paper before it was about to land on the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sheet of paper was very crumbled, on it was a messy score filled with messy notes and handwriting. But he recognised the score, it was the score of Elegy of Love, but a handwritten one. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What is this?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>As Zhangjing took a closer look at the score, the handwriting of the person who wrote the score, he came to realization and his mind went blank. Tears unknowingly streamed down his face while his legs gave way. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Quasimodo…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing rushed over to Jeffrey’s display cabinet, taking out all of its contents, mostly his albums. Zhangjing sat on the ground as he went through all of his past albums, all of the songs made by Quasimodo…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cold jokes, by “autumn”. Autumn… Autumn of sorrow. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jeffrey, did you lie to me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>At this moment, Jeffrey had arrived at his office. “Zhangjing?” Jeffrey shut the door, shocked at the sight of the messy pile of things on the ground with a sobbing Zhangjing in the middle of this mess. “Don’t touch me!” Zhangjing pushed Jeffrey’s arm away, looking at him with anger. “What? Why-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you do this to me?” Jeffrey was cut off by Zhangjing. Jeffrey started to comprehend what happened after spotting the score Zhangjing was holding in his hands. Jeffrey kept silent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is alive, right?” Zhangjing questioned, “and you knew, right!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey stood up and walked away from Zhangjing, he didn’t know how to face him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve seen me so heartbroken, I was so heartbroken and you decided not to tell me?!” Zhangjing screamed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Zhangjing got up from the ground “It’s been five years, I felt so soulless every day and you’re silent about this for all these years! Are you ever, going to tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing grabbed Jeffrey by his shoulders and turned him around “How could you? How could you even consider yourself my friend…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dark skies started to clear up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bring me to him”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since </span>
  <em>
    <span>Elegy of Love</span>
  </em>
  <span> is already finalized, you should head back to practice,” Jeffrey plopped down in his chair, trying to change the topic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- What? ” Zhangjing could not believe this, “You were the first person that dispatched a team up to find him, you said he wasn’t found. I couldn’t check because it was a private search and nothing was recorded.” Words spilt out of Zhangjing’s trembling lips, “His family, they moved to Guangzhou after all these and I lost contact with them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey turned away, avoiding Zhangjing’s gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This Quasimodo guy! He knew where we both went! After you signed me, he has been writing songs for me. Also, there’s this guy named A</span>
  <em>
    <span>utumn</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he’s sending me cold jokes every day,”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Then explain why can’t you tell me who is Quasimodo and why are you encouraging me to believe that he is alive all this while?” Zhangjing threw the crumbled papers he was holding in Jeffrey’s face, “It’s because he is alive!”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” Jeffrey brushed the papers off, “He’s alive but so what?” he snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you saying?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What can you do even if you knew? If he was even normal, like 5 years ago. If he was able to run, to jump, to smile, to step on stage again... Why do you think he had to hide?” Jeffrey made a step towards Zhangjing. “I’m not lying to you. The Yanjun you knew 5 years ago, was already dead in the mountains.” Tears started to water up Jeffrey’s eyes. “The Yanjun now, his vision, his speech, writing, even walking! He wasn’t like before anymore, he can’t even compare to a normal person!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing shook his head, “No, it can’t be… Why did it turn out like this..”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just act like you don’t know anything. Go back and practice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How could I act like I don’t know!” Zhangjing grabbed Jeffrey’s arms, “Then, what do you want to do?” Jeffrey sighed and spoke gently. “I… I want to see him, of course.” Zhangjing looked at Jeffrey with pleading eyes. It’s been 5 years of missing Yanjun. He cried himself to bed every time he thought of him, he was so heartbroken. If there was one thing he wanted to do, it was to stay in the village and watch over the mountain every day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Jeffrey rejected “You can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please? I beg you, please” Zhangjing leaned his head on Jeffrey’s arms, gripping it tighter. “I’m begging you please..”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you see him, he can’t live.” what Jeffrey said, sent Zhangjing into deep thoughts. “Why?” Zhangjing did not understand it fully. “He’s fragile right now. He is between life and death.” Jeffrey took Zhangjing’s hands in his, “Are you going to sympathize with him? Are you going to care for him? Are you certain that you are able to accept and love him now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing stayed silent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you see him, you’d realise that he changed. He’s an ugly man now with a weird temper, maybe you would not want to be with him anymore. That way, you left him, you abandoned him, do you expect him to be able to live afterwards?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing lowered his head, tears dripping on the back of his palm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Give him some space. If he doesn’t have any reasons, he wouldn’t live in the darkness like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing seemingly understood the point Jeffrey was trying to bring across and nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zhangjing, go home and think about it,” Jeffrey helped Zhangjing up from the ground, “Maybe it’s not a good time to meet like that now.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Afterwards, Jeffrey ordered his assistant to send Zhangjing back home.</span>
</p><hr/><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A lover I can't touch II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw: mention of suicide!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Zhangjing already forgot how he managed to get home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever that happened today, flipped his world upside down just like 5 years ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing brought the piece of the score home. He traced his fingers through each and every note drawn on to paper, tears flowing at the thought of how hard was it for Yanjun to hold a pen and make these music scores. All of the songs Yanjun produced for Zhangjing all these while was written by Yanjun, one by one, exerting all of his strength and willpower to control his fingers in writing a legible note.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing could not imagine what his love had gone through. If it was really what Jeffery had described just now…</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Bzz Bzz</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>You’ve received a message</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>A match felt his head was itchy, so he went to scratch. He ends up being burnt.</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Do you know how much I missed you? </em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Am I supposed to be sad or happy… Zhangjing stared at the screen, he doesn’t know what to think any more. Love is so painful, but the pain is to be overcome by death or separation, he endured death for 5 years, but in the end, he was met with separation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since Yanjun was missing, Zhangjing was no longer himself. The only item Zhangjing had of Yanjun, was the green jacket. Zhangjing had placed it away for a long time along with the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rhododendron</span>
  </em>
  <span> in his pocket that was crimson red, like his bleeding heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, you have done so much for me, but I have not done anything for you. Do you expect me to leave you alone when you are suffering like this?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffery’s phone lit up. He sighs and picked it up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How would he know!” An angry voice screamed through the phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw the score that you finished, I took it back and he just accidentally saw it”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did that on purpose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffery didn’t deny it. Yes, he did that on purpose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why can’t you just let him accept and forget me eventually??” The man on the other side of the phone starts to fumble with his wheelchair frustratedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he can do that? Do you think he was going to accept what happened and forget?” Jeffrey raised his voice, “It’s been 5 years!!! Isn’t that enough?? You’re torturing yourself, you’re torturing him too!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll not be living for long anyway, it’s no point for him... to be caring about me,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey was about to explode upon hearing that “And that, is because you’re not doing your rehab properly!!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man started to sob “He should start over, find a new lover, and he should-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not him. You can’t decide for him.” Jeffrey said firmly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jeffery... You don’t understand...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“BOTH OF YOU! Who is the one lying to himself? It was you all along! You miss him! You’re the one that’s giving him the hints!! The songs!! The jokes!! You’re reminding him of you every day!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” The man lowered his head, tearing silently, “I’d rather that I’m dead right now”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He can’t, no, he won’t forget you” Jeffrey shut his eyes, “and you shouldn’t treat him this way”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did he say anything else?” The man asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He wants to meet you. But he wasn’t fully recovered from the shock, you want him to stop his love for you but that’s his call”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No... we’re better off not meeting”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey felt helpless, “You can hide, but you can’t hide from it forever. Yanjun... Look, he’s crying over you every now and then. Is that really what you want? You’ll regret this”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yanjun leaned his head on the glass window beside him, listening to the gentle sounds of the waves hitting shore. The glass reflected a disfigured face. His face muscles are no longer able to function. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t smile. He once had a name, that was Lin Yanjun. But now? He touched his leg that no longer had sensations. Crippled, ugly, not even comparable to ants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That year, it was a nightmare for him. Until today, he still has nightmares of the scene where he witnessed his two friends die in front of his eyes. At that moment, it was too late to turn and escape, the huge snow blew, Yanjun’s legs were struck and held down by chunks of snow. He wasn’t able to move, he looked around to search for something that will help him escape. Nearing the cliff was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rhododendron, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he used all of his might to reach out to the stem of the tree, he turned back and saw his friends engulfed by the ruthless snow. The stem broke, and he fell off the cliff.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he came around, his face was frozen like ice, his shoulder pierced by a sharp icicle and his left leg was trapped in a gap between two stones. Vaguely, he seemed to have heard a familiar voice calling out to him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lin Yanjun come back, Yanjun! I’m coming to find you…</span>
  </em>
  <span> People often have flashbacks before their last moment in life, maybe that was it. There seems to be a sweet smile he saw before his eyes, he smiled and garnered all energy to place the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rhododendron</span>
  </em>
  <span> into his pocket and lost consciousness afterwards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he woke up, he was in the intensive care unit. He saw machines beside him, doctors and nurses come and go at times. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I am still alive. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But, one of his eyes seems to not be able to function properly, he tried to lift his hand but he can’t, his legs are the same. He didn’t want to think, he doesn’t want to face what he had become. He recognised Jeffrey, he used all his might to make out a single sentence</span>
  <em>
    <span>, please don’t let anyone know about this, let me die with pride.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey nodded, all he wanted was to see his friend alive, at least. Yanjun was heavily injured and had been unconscious in the cold for too long. When they found him, it was totally unknown if he’d survive. Even when he woke up, the doctors were not certain if he would survive an extra day more. After being transported to a private hospital, it was uncountable times of surgery, uncountable times of critical emergency moments to salvage him. At last, his condition was able to stabilise. Yanjun moved with his family to Taiwan. He did this without the media’s knowledge, without his close friends’ knowledge, without his fan’s knowledge, but he eventually couldn’t hide this from his lover.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yanjun stared at the pile of medication bottles, all of the equipment assisting him for rehabilitation. He is surrounded by pain every day. After every chemo session, he would feel so unwell and throw up. He doesn’t find meaning in his existence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to kill himself, he wanted to be free of all these. But, the smile that he sees on his TV screen, that person, that person that cried for him. He travelled the world to find him, sent him pictures of sceneries every day even though he knew he will be receiving auto-replies… That person that carried his heartbroken self to sing for everyone, that person that wasn’t afraid to beg God to take anything from him in exchange for Yanjun back</span>
  <em>
    <span>. God is cruel, he let us meet in our impeccable forms with the most dreamy love story you could ever ask for, he made me a role model that everyone looks up to. But he took back everything in a moment. Leaving me with nothing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He stared into the blank space, feeling completely defeated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yanjun hates to see himself in the mirror. While he was in the hospital, he once fell off his wheelchair accidentally, causing his mask to drop off. His face full of scars gained horrified looks from the people surrounding him and even made a kid cry. Ever since then, he never wanted to appear there again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was just living hopelessly every day until Jeffrey came a year and a half later, with a song. Jeffrey requested him to fill in the lyrics for this song. Yanjun looked at the music notes on the paper, </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s his song</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His trembling hands played a short snippet on his piano, the melody seemed to have bottled all of the sorrow from Zhangjing. He missed him a lot. Yanjun grabbed a pen and started to fill in lyrics.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was the first song he participated in. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dreams</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It made it to the top charts of all platforms, he got to see Zhangjing perform that very song they made together on his TV. Zhangjing was invited to sing at many awards ceremony and was showered with many compliments and achievements. Yanjun finally felt he found meaning in his life. He thought it was best for them to remain in this state. However, Jeffrey still decided to let Zhangjing know of his existence. But Jeffrey wasn’t wrong. If Yanjun hadn’t done so much because he missed Zhangjing, his existence wouldn’t be exposed.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You Zhangjing, are you used to sleeping alone now?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Epilogue:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I have a lover I can’t touch,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Love is in the air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I can’t show you, my love,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I only can keep it to myself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss you, I care, I want to look for you,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, you refused to give me the directions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>to be continued...</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Be prepared at heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw : mention of rape</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>9pm</strong> </em>
</p><p>Dinghao opened the door to the sight of Jeffrey deep asleep on the sofa. “You’re back?” Jeffrey slowly fluttered his eyes open after sensing some movements.</p><p> </p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me you’re coming home? You’ll catch a cold; I didn’t warm my home up” Dinghao said as he adjusted the temperature. It was still winter in February.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to go bathe, wanna come?” Jeffrey stood up. “You haven’t eaten, right? I’ll go whip up something, go have a shower.” Ever since Dinghao opened a hotpot restaurant, he is working hard on his Chinese cuisine, he also works with Quanzhe on some fusion cuisines in his Western restaurant often.</p><p> </p><p>“I have something to tell you tonight” Jeffrey hugged Dinghao from the back.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Dinghao shuffled to the fridge to grab some cucumber and meat with Jeffrey clinging on from the back. “I might need to stay in Taiwan for some time.”</p><p> </p><p>“You go there often anyways,” Dinghao didn’t find it unusual. “I might need to stay longer this time. Zhangjing’s music career will be developing there, I need to help him pick a great record company and studio…”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you done?” Even though Dinghao was friends with Zhangjing and trained with him for 5 years in Banana Entertainment, he was still unable to understand the situation. “I didn’t explain to you previously-, it’s because I was afraid that you'd push me away again.” Jeffrey left light pecks on Dinghao’s face, “If you don’t feel secure, you can be rest assured. Don’t you know? I only love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“What exactly is going on between both of you?” Dinghao turned and stared at Jeffrey.</p><p>“We’re colleagues and we’re good friends.” Jeffrey looked at Dinghao sincerely.</p><p>“So, you have no feelings for him?” Dinghao does not believe what Jeffrey said.</p><p>“Yes! Empathy! Just that! I’ll admit that I’ve staged some shows but this is what this industry is like, I know my limits.”</p><p>“You know I’ll endure it in any way” Dinghao turned back to slice the cucumber.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry for forcing myself onto you at that time, but if I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t do that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just want a simple life, to have a home, to have a lover. Lovers that will have dinner together every night after work, lovers that will go on dates during weekends, to watch movies. Lovers that’ll go for holidays sometimes…” Dinghao spoke as he washed the meat.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t I be the one?” Jeffrey held him tighter.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a person of status. I’ve never thought of associating myself with people of status. I didn’t dare to imagine of it,” Dinghao reached out for a tomato, “You can satisfy my ego. But, I just want someone that sincerely loves me.”. After slicing the tomato, he reached for a plate to place his ingredients on. “Do you think this is a hotel? You come and go as you like. When you need me, I have to be here? But what about me? Where were you when I need you? I can’t even catch a sight of your shadows.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Jeffrey said.</p><p> </p><p>“You helped me with my career and you gave me everything I have now. I can be your love but I hate the relationship we have now.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not a lover,” Jeffrey kissed Dinghao again, “I’ll go shower, let’s talk before we sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>Dinghao was about to cry. He thought he could have an enjoyable and romantic life with Jeffery, just like fairytales with happy endings. But he discovered that it wasn’t the case, Jeffrey has his own colourful life. His center of attention is still on the entertainment industry, only that his job doesn’t require him to be in front of cameras anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Dinghao feels that he couldn’t catch up with the pace of Jeffrey’s life. He couldn’t handle the complicated social life of his, but Jeffrey could. Dinghao only had Jeffrey in his heart. But Jeffrey… especially after Yanjun’s accident 5 years ago, Jeffrey has been taking care of Zhangjing. What else could Dinghao say? He couldn’t say anything. Because he doesn’t have the rights to.</p><p> </p><p>When he wanted to break up, Jeffrey forced himself on him. He didn’t think that, such a gentle man, would be such a monster and used force to keep him. Money as his debts, feelings as his debts.</p><p>Hence, instead of loving Jeffrey, it was turned into hatred instead. <em>Fine, let’s just keep it that way</em>, he had to clear his debts with Jeffrey anyway. Dinghao earned more from expanding his businesses with Jeffrey’s investments, in exchange for his body. </p><p>If this was another person, will Jeffrey treat him the same way? He hates to admit this, he still loves Jeffrey.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>After dinner, in the bedroom.</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeffrey placed an arm over Dinghao, pulling him into an embrace and slipping his hand under his pyjamas.</p><p>“What’s the theme of discussion today? There’s more to what you said just now right?” Dinghao reached over to switch off the night lamp.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t you give some reactions when you’re making love with me?” Jeffrey moved on top of Dinghao. “Since I’m so boring, why do you still bother to… bully me?”</p><p> </p><p>“How long have we known each other?” Jeffrey asked. “10 years.”</p><p>“These 10 years, I’ve only had you. Do you believe me?” Jeffrey lifted Dinghao’s chin, forcing him to look into his eyes. “I don’t.” Dinghao pushed his hand away.</p><p> </p><p>Jeffrey moved back to his side of the bed, letting out a heavy sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“You… Are you having some troubles?” Dinghao readjusted his position. “You still know me best,” Jeffrey smiled.</p><p> </p><p>“What is it? If it’s about money, I still don’t have enough to return you, but I have some assets that I do without, I can return you some.” Dinghao reached over to the nightstand again for his phone in the drawer. “No.” Jeffrey pulled Dinghao back to bed, “Dinghao. If I have nothing left one day, what would you do?”</p><p> </p><p>“I can take care of you. I can earn money, I know how to cook, we can lead a happy life even if..hmm-“ Dinghao was truthful about it. The second half of the sentence was, <em>just take it as I’m paying off my debts</em>. But it was swallowed by the sudden kiss.</p><p> </p><p>Jeffrey have met many people in his life, but he can be sure that only the one that is before his eyes right now, treats him with the utmost sincerity. Could Dinghao have found a better man than him? With his looks and his great personality, there’s loads of rich men that could be his match. He’s lucky to have Dinghao.</p><p> </p><p>“Yanjun is still alive. Do you think I should let them meet?”</p><p> </p><p>The sudden question left Dinghao stunned. “What?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m really not confident if I’m doing the right thing,” Jeffrey explained, “but seeing how Zhangjing is recovering, I don’t want him to look back and be hurt again.”</p><p>Dinghao didn’t want to ask any further questions, “You should let them meet. No matter what encounters they had, lovers will always want to be with each other.”.</p><p>“I hinted about this to Zhangjing. But that’s all I could do, they’re the ones that have to make the decisions.” Jeffrey pulled Dinghao into his arms again.</p><p>Dinghao stared blankly at Jeffery. “Why?”</p><p>“Jeffrey, objectively speaking, you’re a great friend.” If Jeffrey had helped Yanjun keep this huge secret for 5 years, if Dinghao is not wrong about this, he has been flying to Taiwan back and forth to take care of him.</p><p>“So, I’m not a good lover, right?” Jeffrey brushed his hand through Dinghao’s soft hair.</p><p>“I have not come to a conclusion.” Dinghao hugged him, for the first time in ages. “You… You’re much more responsible than me and you have to be responsible for so much more things than me.”  Jeffrey smiled. That’s what comforts his soul, the understanding and embrace of Dinghao.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>3 days later. In Jeffrey’s office.</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I want to see him, still.” Zhangjing still misses him too much.</p><p>“Then? You’re going to abandon everything? Are you not going to release your album or do your concert tour? And you just want to accompany him?” Jeffrey questioned.</p><p>“I…” Zhangjing didn’t have an answer.</p><p> </p><p>“Does he need you to do that for him? Why did he write songs for you even though he’s bothered by his injuries? You love him. You want to show him that you love him, even if it’s by ripping out your heart. But, what can he give you?” Jeffrey was straightforward about this.</p><p> </p><p>“But I can’t just stay and not do anything! Now that I know he’s alive, I can’t just not do anything!”</p><p>“He doesn’t want to see you”</p><p>“What do I need to do… For us to meet?”</p><p> </p><p>“You need to erase the Yanjun from the past and love him as what he is now.” Jeffrey spoke softly, “Don’t force him to return to the past. He can’t go back. He wouldn’t reach out to hold your hand anymore; you have to hold his.”</p><p> </p><p>Zhangjing nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s afraid of the outside world. As a person that fell from the highest peaks to the lowest valley of his life, don’t expect him to give anything back to you in return.” Jeffrey continued to advise Zhangjing.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Zhangjing nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not easy for you two to meet. But after you meet him, if you’re there to hurt him further, I’d rather you not meet him.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Zhangjing nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“Unless he agrees, I won’t bring you over.” Jeffrey doesn’t want to make this decision on his own.<br/><br/>“Okay,” Zhangjing understood what he had to do, “Thank you, Jeffrey, I’m so sorry for flaring up at you that day.”<br/><br/>“Slightly better than my baby at home” Jeffrey chuckled. When Dinghao gets angry, he’s like an angry cat, Jeffrey is not a person that knows how to use words to pacify his lover, he only can solve problems on the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll head to my schedules,” Jeffrey sent Zhangjing out. What else could he do? A gamble has been made.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Since the doctors can’t treat you, it’s only love that can. I’m gambling that Zhangjing can revive you. Once you have confidence, there’ll be hope, there’ll be a miracle.<br/></em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>- Jeffrey</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is a translation work of oymx519's 秋之殇, special thanks to the original author for allowing translation. Special thanks to VIA for co-translating!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. If I held your hand again I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Two months later. </b>
</p><p>
  <b>In April.</b>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Jeffrey, can you bring him to me?</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey stared at the text message. “Please edit the last stop of Zhangjing’s tour next year to Taipei.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>In the afternoon </b>
</p><p>
  <span>“I shan’t show you his medical and surgical records, but these are the medications he has to take, the dosage and timings are included here. These are his daily diet plans, there aren’t many dietary restrictions. The caretaker will teach you how to massage his left leg, do it every night for 30 minutes before sleep.” Jeffrey handed a manual over to Zhangjing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Zhangjing said. “When you meet him, just interact with him like your normal self, don’t sympathise with him.” Jeffrey lifted up a cup of coffee for Zhangjing, “I often fight with him too”. “Okay.” Zhangjing nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be departing in 3 days. Good that your recent schedules are clearing up.” Jeffrey took a look at his files, “You have a week.”. Zhangjing stared at the manual in his hands, doubting if he could do it, or not. Jeffrey observed Zhangjing as he sipped his coffee. After a week, if Zhangjing realises the difficulties and backs out, he’ll accept it as a wrong judgement on his part. However, he still hoped that the power of love does its magic. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>3 days later. Departure from Shanghai to Taipei</b>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, it’s not just Jeffrey and Zhangjing. Dinghao came along too, he accompanied them silently throughout the plane ride. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing glanced out of the window, looking at the plane wing cutting through white fluffy clouds. Taiwan was an old home to Yanjun. They lived like that for 5 years, they were just an ocean apart from each other. But, heading to meet him today, Zhangjing doesn’t know what exactly to feel about it. Maybe he should be happy. But he felt insecure, nervous and sorrowful. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lin Yanjun, you’re so ruthless. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Zhangjing thought while thinking back on the 2000 days and nights he spent alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time they landed and travelled to Kenting, it was already evening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait for me at the hotel, okay?”, “Mmkay”. Jeffrey got his chauffeur to send Dinghao back to their hotel while Zhangjing and Jeffrey got in another car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is a warm-hearted, bustling city by the sea. Zhangjing had been to Taiwan for fan meetings and concerts a couple of times, but he hasn’t been to the city of Kenting. The sea seems to always give him a feeling of serenity, taking away all his worrying thoughts…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The car stopped outside an area of seaside villas. “It’s the one all the way at the back”, Jeffrey got off the car and pointed directions to Zhangjing. “Okay.” Zhangjing gripped his luggage tightly. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Jeffrey asked. He shook his head and started to walk towards the house. Jeffrey went back in the car. The weather was exceptionally good today, the skies are bright and blue. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If the sea would grant me a wish, please let them be fine together. You hear his cries all night. Please, send the person who could dry his tears back to him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A villa painted white with a tinge of baby blue. With a little garden at the side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing reached for the doorbell nervously. Not long after, the door unlocked and Zhangjing gently pushed the door. After walking through the inner courtyard, he was met with another door. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Knock knock. </span>
  </em>
  <span>There wasn’t any reply. Just as Zhangjing wanted to knock again, he realised the door wasn’t locked. He stepped into the brightly furnished living room, it’s a minimalist decor, with blue and white. “Lin Yanjun?” Zhangjing called out. There wasn’t any reply. As he looked around, he saw a note on the table. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <b>
    <em>Please just go back. I don’t have the courage to see you.</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not leaving!” Zhangjing spoke out loudly, he knew Yanjun would hear it. So he sat on the sofa and waited. He kept waiting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Time passes from early evening till sunset. At this time, he heard the sound of a wheelchair moving. Zhangjing immediately stood up. “Sigh…” it was a light sigh coming from the courtyard, it’s a voice that he doesn’t recognise, yet seems familiar to him. Zhangjing held on tightly to the piece of note in his hand while walking over to the courtyard. “Lin Yanjun? Is that you?” Zhangjing slowly inched forward to that person. Even though he had prepared his heart for this moment, Zhangjing couldn’t stop his tears when he finally got to see him, it’s too much of a heartbreaking sight for him. “Just, stop there please, don’t come any closer.” Yanjun’s voice no longer sounds the same. His vocal cords were also damaged in the incident. Zhangjing didn’t dare to move forward. “I’m here since you wanted to meet me,” Yanjun spoke with a trembling voice. “Thank you for loving me and searching for me these 5 years. Today, let’s put an end to this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“An end?”, Zhangjing voice cracked as he tried to recollect himself while muffling his cry. “If it weren’t for Jeffrey who told you. I don’t think you’d ever have recognised me when you met me in a crowd.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s treat this as the end of our fate together. I won’t bother you again. You’re going to have better composers, better lyricists along the way. And…someone who will make you laugh with better jokes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I spent 5 years and I’m here now, and this is what I’m going to hear from you?” Zhangjing sniffled between his words. “Don’t tire yourself up for me anymore. I’m tired too.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m tired of living too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yanjun lifted his head and glanced at the scenery. In his next lifetime, he wishes to be a tree or a flower, to spend a life of serenity and flourish for a season, that’ll be enough for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll… I’ll go cook for you.” Zhangjing wiped up his tears rapidly, “Jeffrey already got the caretaker to get ingredients, and I bought some seasonings.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, just go.” Yanjun turned around, to face Zhangjing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes may have changed, but the look in his eyes remained the same. It’s the look in his eyes that he dreams of, Zhangjing clenched his chest. “I don’t need you to do anything for me, please leave.” Yanjun made eye contact with him, avoiding Zhangjing’s eyes in the next second. Honestly, he didn’t think that they would ever meet again in this lifetime. He’s torn and heartbroken again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have a week off. I’m spending it here” Zhangjing took a step forward. “No, no.” He shook his head. “If we don’t try, how would you know you can’t be with me?” Zhangjing spoke with a softer voice, “Give me another chance, alright? On the account of me missing you so much?” Yanjun turned away from him. How can he resist Zhangjing?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing walked back in, after looking around for a bit more, he finally found the kitchen. In the next moment, Yanjun hears sizzles, pots and pans. He didn’t know how to react. Jeffrey didn’t tell him that Zhangjing’s going to stay after they meet. If that’s the case, he wouldn’t have agreed in the first place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>After an hour</b>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come eat~” Zhangjing came out of the kitchen with two rice bowls. “No, you can’t be here” Yanjun still doesn’t approve of Zhangjing staying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to sleep with you at night too~” Zhangjing chirped while he starts to fill another two bowls with soup. “What?” he can’t believe what he’s hearing. Feeling at a loss, he starts to fidget with his wheelchair. Zhangjing sensed that he was trying to escape, he made quick steps to block his way back, “Go eat. I put in quite a bit of effort to cook.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You- Do you not feel a sense of shame?” Yanjun’s face was still flushed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing bit his lip, “In the past, when you strip me off, did you ask if I feel a sense of shame?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was in the past. It’s different now” Yanjun readjusted himself as Zhangjing wheeled him over to the dining table. “Do you want me to feed you? Your caretaker says you can hold chopsticks with your left hand though.” Zhangjing handed a pair of chopsticks to Yanjun. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t do this, please, can you leave?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wait for you. I’ll eat after you’re done then. I won’t force you to take off your mask, but I’m not leaving.” Zhangjing squatted down and held Yanjun’s hands in his. “Can I have this 7 days, as an exchange for these 5 years?”. Yanjun wanted to reject him, but he couldn’t bring himself to.  “I won’t force you. If we can still get along, let’s continue dating. If we can’t… we’ll go with what you wanted, we shall break up” Zhangjing feels the pain to say the last 4 words. He has to bear with it even if it hurts. Yanjun’s hands were trembling upon hearing those words. It was already difficult for him to say it, but hearing it from Zhangjing upsets him even more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go unpack, go ahead and eat first” Zhangjing stood up and took his luggage with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yanjun stared at his hand with a tear rolling down his face full of scars.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me know where the bathroom and the bedroom are later!” Zhangjing said, as he unpacked his clothes and music scores.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After Zhangjing has eaten and cleaned up the dirty dishes, his clothes are already hanged up in the closet. Zhangjing smiled to himself. “Everything is on the same floor, the bathroom is on the right, the bedroom is on the left.” Yanjun spoke with his head lowered the whole time. What else could he say, giving him 7 days with him in exchange for the 5 years spent without him was the best he could do for Zhangjing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you need help with shower?” Zhangjing asked. “No, I can handle myself.”. The house was altered with elements and designs for him, he recovered slightly and was just getting used to his new lifestyle. “Go wash up then, I’ll wait for you outside. Let me know if you need me” Zhangjing wheeled him into the bathroom. He’s quite in a daze today, because of Zhangjing. Since when did he turn into such a decisive person? But of course, in the past when Zhangjing decided his mind on something, he also tends to go along with it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Zhangjing flipped through the manual Jeffrey gave him, getting the different medications required and placing them into his medication box. “Who taught you these?” he asked. “Of course I had to know these,” Zhangjing poured a cup of warm water, “Here, time for your medication” Yanjun took over the glass of water. “Don’t choke'' Zhangjing watched as he gulped down the water with his pills, leaning in to caress his chest. “You-” Yanjun immediately turned away, he’s blushing because of Zhangjing again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lay on the bed, I’d help you massage your leg. Even though I might not learn it well enough, bear with me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What on earth are you doing,” Yanjun pushed away his hands, “You’re a top singer, you should be preparing for concerts, performing and practising. Not being here and doing these...mm” Zhangjing gave him a peck through the mask. Yanjun wanted to flare up at him again but was caught off guard with Zhangjing’s sudden action. “Let’s go to bed” Zhangjing pursed his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… I can do it myself” Yanjun managed to move on the bed, heart still palpitating from the sudden kiss just now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does this hurt?” Zhangjing didn’t dare to exert much force. Yanjun kept his silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After 30 minutes, Zhangjing tucked Yanjun in. “Sleep early. I’m a little tired from the plane ride.” He got on the other side of the bed and turned off the lights. “You can take off your mask, it’s dark now, I won’t be able to see” Zhangjing hugged the blanket. “Don’t you want to hug me to sleep?” Zhangjing asked. But Yanjun didn’t reply. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the middle of the night, Yanjun woke up. He turned and looked at the boy lying beside him. It feels like a dream. He doesn’t even dare to touch him, at all, what if he wakes up from this dream? </span>
  <em>
    <span>But I can no longer be the Lin Yanjun again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Outside of the villa. In the car by the sea</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we leave now?” Dinghao asked Jeffrey as the lights in the house dimmed. How unsure was he, that he had to make another trip down to have a look. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They’re lovers in any way, what could happen? A fight?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dinghao thought. “Zhangjing hasn’t texted me yet, it should be fine” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to take a walk along the beach.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s cold at the beach in spring, let’s go when it’s summer.” Jeffrey started his car, heading back to the hotel. “Taiwan… Is also your hometown, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to come home with me?” Jeffrey asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”Dinghao lowered his head, blushing a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The ugly husband eventually has to meet his in-laws,” Jeffrey chuckled. “Who’s ugly!”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wait..Meeting in-laws? What does he mean?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <span>I remember there’s a great bar here, just around the corner,” Jeffrey made a turn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been long since we’ve gone on a date,” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If you don’t consider those random meals, movies and strolls. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? We have been going on dates though, isn’t it, all in bed.” Jeffrey laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If we’re going to count those, that’s a lot of dates in 3 years, let me count. On months when there’s many, it’s about 17 to 18 times, on months when it’s lesser, it’s about 5 or 6 times, multiply that by 36….” Dinghao reached over to cover up Jeffrey’s mouth. “You’re so needy, how could you have the nerve to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s normal. I just happen to need to go on business trips a lot. Otherwise, I’d do it every day with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In that case, I can’t satisfy you, you can go ahead and look for more partners” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeffrey pulled up at a parking spot near the bar. “Do you like me?” Jeffrey turned towards Dinghao. “In the past… I did have feelings for you.” Dinghao answered honestly. “And then?”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then, you were too mysterious and we’re too different.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I only sleep with people I love, you’ve got to understand this,” Jeffrey pats Dinghao’s head. “Don’t let me find out if you have someone else. He’ll be done for. You’d also be done for.”. “I’m not your property.” Dinghao hates it when Jeffrey is demanding like this. “Let’s go for our date” Jeffrey grabbed Dinghao’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sending you home if you’re drunk, okay?” Dinghao said, as they walked towards the bar. “If I’m drunk, how am I going to fuck you later?” Jeffrey kissed Dinghao’s hand, earning a slap on his shoulder in return. “Hahaha!” Jeffrey laughed heartily. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Kenting’s sea. It’s great. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a english translated work of oymx519's 秋之殇 (lofter), special thanks to the original author for allowing translation. Special thanks to VIA for co-translating!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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